I so love engaging with you here on this format & getting to hear from you all about your beautiful, brutal stories.
today I wanted to chat a bit about growth. maturity. and that ever-elusive feeling of having “arrived” at some mysterious destination.
actually, if I’m honest… I don’t think maturity & growth are destinations at all, but rather a habitual way of life.
because I don’t think we ever “arrive” this side of the stars, babes. and that doesn’t have to be discouraging. on the contrary, I find it so very reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who hasn’t “arrived” at this mystical land of pristine emotional perfection. (can y’all holla with me?)
but because it’s not a destination, growth requires something of me in my current space. it requires change, and this kind of real and honest growth, this every deliberate step into maturity, requires that change in each and every present moment.
I think that a sure sign of maturity & growth is the discomfort of consistently and willingly entering into unknown and tension-filled spaces in ourselves.
Continue reading “HOW TO KNOW YOU’RE GROWING & MATURING”
it’s been a bit, huh?
lots of processing and healing and (I’ll be real) just plain craziness going down over here. and it’s GOOD. I’ve got some insane stuff that I’m currently working on which will be coming at you next month… and it is honestly just the culmination of some of the biggest dreams & greatest fears of my heart that I didn’t even know I had, y’all. so you’re not gonna want to miss it.
I thought it might be profitable for me to let you into the sweetness that is this journey for me, and to break open some of that breathlessness that has been rebuilding me…
because sometimes I need to be reminded that what comes to me is for me. that what takes part in my deconstruction does, by default, take part in my rebuilding. that all the things that are happening in me now are working to make a greater and more purposeful future that is so worth living.
what about you?
I love the visualization of being the dwelling place of Grace & Truth.. a house in which the Divine feels at home… a residence for the Spirit of Peace. that is a picture that has always just spoken to me really deeply. and what’s lovely is that in the book of Haggai I get this whole new insight into what that could mean, into what it must mean, as I read about the people of God rebuilding the temple.
“the future glory of this house will be greater than the past glory… and in this place I will give you peace…” Haggai 2:9
I’ll be honest with you.
tonight is one of those nights where I’m coming to my keyboard for my own healing. where I’m just hitting the keys and letting all the things stopping up my heart flow free because I can’t choke them back anymore. where I’m coming unfiltered, simply as I am, shaking under mercy. where I’m working out the kinks and tangles of a tossed-up heart.
I’ve been kind of a wreck today. it seems that in almost every area of my life there is strain. there is a push-back. there is tension. there is woundedness uncared for and an insensitive rubbing of the deepest parts of me. again and again over these past few weeks I’ve been forced to lean into the pain, lean into the theatrics, lean into the very real instances where I have come with hands open and left still empty.
so are the times.
my body is breaking down, getting ill yet again from the exhaustion of both physical and emotional stamina that’s been strained and drawn out. and tonight all I’ve wanted, all I’ve been capable of, has been sitting on the sofa with a blank stare. it’s a theme, you know… getting to the end of myself.
and so here I am, just as I am- seeking truth in the spilled-out thoughts, flipping slowly and painfully through my dearest copy of Scripture, opening up the journal I kept this spring when newness and freedom seemed so possible.
but it doesn’t anymore, and I feel empty and angry and sad. and no matter where I go, coast to coast my heart feels like an outcast under steeples and in good company. and I don’t understand why Divine Love keeps leading me here, sick-to-my-stomach disturbed and lonely.
and this is what I find written in my own handwriting… Continue reading “NO EXIT STRATEGY”