I DON’T DO RESOLUTIONS // MY #ONEWORD365 FOR 2017

this is a post that I’ve been really excited to share for quite some time now… even though I wasn’t entirely sure what it would look like 🙂

while it’s never been a public thing for me, and not something I chose to share on the blog, I’ve practiced this idea of having a single word to guide and represent my year for the past couple of years.

I love #oneword365 and the way that they really rally around and create tribe in a beautiful, holistic way for those trying to live their words! so, if this is something you find yourself really connecting to by the end of this post, definitely click here and go give ’em a visit. (this isn’t sponsored- I just really love these peeps!)

here’s the idea: instead of creating a list of things to do, or to not do, in the new year (which are pretty much either abandoned or causing you to pull your hair out by the time march rolls around), you just find one, solitary word that resonates with your soul, and you choose that as your battle-cry and banner for the coming year. or, more accurately, it chooses you; or that’s what it feels like. more often than not, the word you’ve been running from is the word you need. (don’tcha hate that?)

I’ve been searching for my word for almost three months. and even though I’ve pretty much known it since the beginning, it took me until the end of the creative retreat I did at the beginning of this week (more on that later!) to fully embrace it and own it.

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it’s time. no more messing around. it’s my word that’s been given to me, and I’m running with it, clinging to it, breathing it in and becoming more comfortable with it in my life.  Continue reading “I DON’T DO RESOLUTIONS // MY #ONEWORD365 FOR 2017”

CHANGELING // FINDING YOURSELF IN THE UPROOTING

come sit for a minute.

I’ve got the fire going so it’s all aflame and crackling, spitting sparks up into the chimney.
the little cast iron kettle is hot and bubbling, and I’ve got a mug here ready to be filled with tea meant for cradling in chilly hands.
there are candles burning, and the tree lights are all soft and twinkly.

it’s a space made just for long chats and secrets spilled and hands clasped.

and I want to chat with you about something.
something big & deep & intimate & loud.
something I’ve been feeling my way into and out of and around as I grow and become and discover.
something I’ve been tasting on my tongue, breathing out in every shaky exhale.

this is something that changes everything.

you, my love, are a peculiar creature.
shifting & resplendent as the tide.
ebbing & flowing to newness and delight and sorrow.
restless & vagrant as the wind.
whispering and screaming through the world with unbroken tumblings.
tidal. rolling. unsettled. transformable.

you, my love, are a changeling.
this fluidity is your gift, your offering, your dynamism.
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do not forget, dear friend, that you are never stuck.
you are never without the freedom of choice in your own heart… of the still small voice that calls you to choose a new way, a different way, a better way. Continue reading “CHANGELING // FINDING YOURSELF IN THE UPROOTING”

A SYMPHONY OF LASTS // IT’S OKAY TO BE SAD THAT IT’S NO LONGER JUST THE TWO OF YOU

last night I sat in bed and cried.

I cried because I’m super hormonal, and I’m sick, and I’m tired of being sick, and I’m scared of a thousand different things.
I cried because emotions are confusing.
I cried because I was little bitter about the fact that my husband works 12-hour days twice a week.
I cried because my brain has been so foggy that I feel like I haven’t actually spent time with him in ages.
I cried because I was being kicked from the inside out, and I want to have this baby, and also I don’t want to have this baby.
I cried because I know myself really well, and I knew there was something off.
I cried because I was sad, and sometimes you just have to be sad for a minute.
I cried because tears heal.

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I’m really, really excited for Io to join our family.

I’m also really, really sad. Continue reading “A SYMPHONY OF LASTS // IT’S OKAY TO BE SAD THAT IT’S NO LONGER JUST THE TWO OF YOU”

IN DEFENSE OF THE CLINGY GIRL

today I cried on my way to work at starbucks.

if you’ve been a long-time blog follower, you’ll know that crying in the vicinity of a Starbucks is nothing new for me… but still I feel it is at least not so completely normal, so it still warranted a blog post. yeah, maybe I need to work on the content around here…

I’m sitting here now… chipped polish, hot coffee, no mascara… and thinking over all the things because the past two weeks, while full of wonderful things like fresh lavender and photographing a wedding where I sobbed through the father-daughter dance and nights staying up late eating chip and dip with my mom and hour-long sunset ferry rides, didn’t leave much time for thought or inner-processing, which my little INFP self has been desperately craving.

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so today is my first day officially back at work, here on the blog, and I’m literally just so excited. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited for my life to go back to “normal” (whatever that means), but I’m just so exhausted and wiped out and honestly a little sick from all the overflow of goodness and just ALL THE THINGS, and I’m just… ready.

so it started with the hottest of hot showers (all the praise hand emojis!), and pulling on the coziest sweater and then realizing I was out of mascara.

and then I remembered we have two cars now. well, sort of. let me explain.

we have a friend who, while on deployment, has given us his car to use. which is just AWESOME. sort of.  Continue reading “IN DEFENSE OF THE CLINGY GIRL”

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*GIANT SIGH*

pull up a chair, friend. pull up a chair, and grab that cup of coffee. yeah, the mugs are in the cabinet beside the sink. there you go. coffee is in the corner… yeah, there you go. cream and sugar beside it. oh hell, grab the whole pot and bring it over- you’ll want a refill; we’ll be here a while. because there’s some crazy kind of changing going on over here.

have you ever had a season where the foundations of the things you’ve built start to crack and crumble, and doors that you thought to be wide open get slammed right in your face as you try to walk through them… leaving you startled and a little bit stung? have you ever had to face the fact that the way you thought you were called to something, isn’t the way you’re supposed to live out that calling? it sucks, y’all.

and in the wake of all the doors being slammed and all the confusion and all the crazy-what-now? I’m forced to turn away and look out across this huge plane of possibility. Possibility where God says “okay, I’m leading you out into the wild, the rich and full unknown, into the places you didn’t think you were capable of going, the journeys you didn’t think you were capable of walking.” and I’m over here like “HUH? this makes no sense. what you called me to is over there, behind that door that my face just got smacked with.”

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no. no it isn’t.

here’s the thing- my calling is everywhere. it’s in every situation and person I meet, and it takes the shape of something different than I assumed (assuming things is dangerous when it comes to Jesus, y’all.)

because my calling is myself. let me explain. my calling is knit into who I am. it will always be there. I can’t lose it or misplace it among the other thousand things that catch my attention or wound me. I can’t forget it somewhere or somehow miss it. it’s right there, waiting to be utilized in the way I speak, the way I love, the way I reach out and respond. and so the way it looks is wherever I am and whoever I am now. the way it shows itself is how it needs to in each moment to be used and given to the world.

and so I am in this space of sweet, sweet commune with Jesus (and, let’s be real, some pretty intense impatience) where I get to say “so where am I? who am I? how does this look for me? how should this calling grow with me? how should I speak it and live it? how do I put this out into the world in a way that is who I am and who You are?”

and what’s better? the calling is all about rebuilding. it’s all about making new and making space for healing.
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and as I explore this new place inside me that Jesus is rebuilding and making new and healing… there are going to be changes all over the place. my career is becoming, just as I am. this blog will change, too, probably, and there will be wild and new things being breathed to life in my journey as I start to sit and meditate in this new space.

so that’s what I’m doing now, friends.

I’m sitting and breathing and waiting and writing and choosing to believe that my smallness is no issue for a BIG BIG GOD who is, Himself, Divine Love. I’m working and digging deeper into Scripture and finding mentors and asking ALL the questions. I’m letting myself be renewed even when it’s frustrating, and be rebuilt even when it’s hard. I’m making these great big strides and then pausing for a while to celebrate the progress and contemplate the future. I’m being gentle but honest with myself. I’m practicing ALL the self care because beginning again makes us humans fragile.

it’s going to be new and scary, and I need you all to get behind me and back me up and pray for me in all this change.
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and, if you feel so compelled, stop by for another cup of coffee ❤