it seems that these days, each 24 hour cycle is one of absurd ups and downs that are a dizzying pendulum of heartache and delight.
and I’m coming down from an upswing into a canyon.
it’s easy to demonize myself. it’s easy to shame my doubts into silence, to lock away my frustration into a box marked DANGER! FLAMMABLE! it’s easy to push it all away.
until it isn’t so easy anymore.
until there’s so much grief and so much unfairness and so much frustration that just burying another box of it simply won’t do. and when the old ways of brushing off & under these wounds no longer do, there is only one thing that will.
the only thing left to do is wrestle.
I have a very wise, wild, warrior-sister in a cousin of mine. she has felt the depths of loss, and she has dared, as few have, to wrestle with God.
wrestling is hard.
wrestling is brave.
wrestling is essential to the survival of those who stare down mountains.
my warrior-sister says that being angry with God is like being angry with your spouse. you’re upset, you’re hurt, you’re disappointed.
you might step into the other room, get away from them for a minute, take some breathing room, maybe even slam the door.
but the whole time… you still love them.
you’d still choose them.
they’re still the only one you’d want to do life with.
same thing with God. I can be angry.
I can figuratively slam the door.
but that doesn’t mean I don’t love Him.
doesn’t mean I don’t trust Him.
doesn’t mean I’d ever want to do life without Him.
here’s the thing another warrior-sister told me about wrestling: it’s intimate.
to wrestle, you’re literally intertwined with one another.
you’re face-to-face, wrapped round each other, close as the air.
there’s no room for stand-offishness, for pride, for anything to get between you.
as we wrestle with God, we are often closer to Him in the struggling than before we started wrestling.
when you choose to wrestle with God, you will always walk away with three new things: a blessing, a name & a scar.
you walk away with a blessing, though not always the one for which you thought you were wrestling. you take the blessing of knowing the Divine more intimately, of having survived the wrestling, of the beauty that is the goodness of God.
you walk away with a new name. a title that declares your persistence, your closeness to Divine Love, your courage and your trust that in your wrestling you would find faith.
you walk away with a scar. a mark that forever reminds you of the wrestling, a mark that forever shows the world you survived such an encounter with God, a mark that shows your faith and your bravery.
there will always be people who think your situation doesn’t warrant a wrestling. those people have no voice in the private, intimate, and beautiful relationship you hold only with Jesus. those who have wrestled with God do not hold upon their shoulders the judgement of those who have not.
wrestle with God.
wrestle for the intimacy.
wrestle to be more in love.
wrestle, and do not let go until you are blessed.
wrestle. with. God.