we’re living an incredibly painful & difficult season over here in the Avrick house. that sounds like a broken record, doesn’t it? yeah. well, to be honest, the past three years have been both the hardest & best of our lives. and it just keeps going.
but I’m learning things. oh, how I’m learning. there’s nothing like a trial to plant you deeper, darker into black soil and then revel in your wild growth.
and here’s one of the freshest, most in-process truths I’m starting to tentatively sink into… being loved is brave. yeah.
letting yourself be loved. like, really sacrificially loved. it’s hard for me. it takes everything in me to soften and allow hands of love to be opened in my direction.
it opens years of wounding, years full of fear that I’m a burden, that I’m too much to carry, that maybe I’m a waste, that I’m just a troublesome human clinging to affection. it’s close to impossible to be loved in big, mountain-moving ways without me feeling those old haunts coming back to wrap their toxins around my fragile heart.
it feels like an insurmountable task- to be fully loved.
and so it’s easier to put up the protective walls of pride and not allow the help, the love, I so desperately need, to flood my soul with its healing waters.
it means admitting I need it. admitting I can’t do it alone.
it means opening the barest parts of my heart up for scrutiny, gossip, judgement, or indifference.
it means the possibility of pain.
and yet… the flood of blessing, goodness, hope, and satisfaction that comes when I do.
it feels impossibly hard to overcome those deeply ingrained fears, until something so monumentally terrifying happens that it shakes the foundation of the luxury of silence and forces me to open myself up and accept kindness. generosity. goodness. love.
and then hope rises.
remember, sweet one, along with me, that fear always strives to keep us from the goodness of Divine Love. that is always its goal. soul-fear never bars us from pain, but from joy. behind the fear is JOY. we must always remember this.
let us also remember that these things are only seasons. this is not the end of our story, and we will come out the other side, our arms as branches, heavy with the bearing of the beautiful fruit of spiritual growth.
letting yourself be loved is one of the most extraordinarily brave, selfless, and confident things you could ever do.