today I cried on my way to work at starbucks.
if you’ve been a long-time blog follower, you’ll know that crying in the vicinity of a Starbucks is nothing new for me… but still I feel it is at least not so completely normal, so it still warranted a blog post. yeah, maybe I need to work on the content around here…
I’m sitting here now… chipped polish, hot coffee, no mascara… and thinking over all the things because the past two weeks, while full of wonderful things like fresh lavender and photographing a wedding where I sobbed through the father-daughter dance and nights staying up late eating chip and dip with my mom and hour-long sunset ferry rides, didn’t leave much time for thought or inner-processing, which my little INFP self has been desperately craving.
so today is my first day officially back at work, here on the blog, and I’m literally just so excited. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited for my life to go back to “normal” (whatever that means), but I’m just so exhausted and wiped out and honestly a little sick from all the overflow of goodness and just ALL THE THINGS, and I’m just… ready.
so it started with the hottest of hot showers (all the praise hand emojis!), and pulling on the coziest sweater and then realizing I was out of mascara.
and then I remembered we have two cars now. well, sort of. let me explain.
we have a friend who, while on deployment, has given us his car to use. which is just AWESOME. sort of.
see, after two weeks of basically not seeing my husband ever, I’d forgotten that we had two cars and I no longer needed to drop him off at work. which, surprisingly, devastated me. I’d not realized how precious were those fifteen minutes of holding his hand, talking through our sleepy yawns, and just watching his left hand on the wheel with the mountains rearing up behind in the window. so I reluctantly got in our car, cried the whole way to starbucks, dried my eyes (the one time running out of mascara actually came in handy), and came in to work.
I’ve always been very attached to the people I love. I’m fiercely loyal and desperately caring of them, and with time being my #1 love language (find your love language here) I just always wanna BE around them- even if we’re doing nothing in particular… or even doing completely unrelated things.
I’m the girl who sends 6 or 7 texts- kissy faces, “I love you”‘s, and encouraging notes. I’m the girl who tags along for errands with you just because. I’m the girl who will just sit with you if there’s nothing else to say just because you need someone there. I’m the girl who scoots closer on the couch so I can be closer to you. I’m the girl who you’ll never have to worry about leaving you behind if you’re walking slower or taking longer than everyone else. I was the girl whose ex-boyfriend labelled her as clingy.
now don’t get me wrong… there are some very bad ways to be clingy, and I’m sure that I’ve crossed into them from time to time. these behaviors tend to stem from buried insecurities, idolizing the person you’re too clingy with, deep loneliness, or thinking that this person will fill a void in you that they just can’t. these behaviors can become obnoxious, manipulative, and even abusive, and that’s super not okay!
but I think there’s something to be said about us “clingy” girls who really just love our people. I think it’s wrong to bash someone for caring so deeply that they just want to BE with you. I think there’s something really special about finding a person who you don’t want to stop being around. because we’re going to be there when you need us. we’re going to dedicate our time when no one else will. and after everyone else is tired of your grief or your problems, we “clingy” people will still be there for you, just sitting, just being, just loving you.
so, here’s to mourning a second car, convenience at the expense of time spent together, and knowing for sure I’ve found the one who my soul loves.