know you | day three

Yesterday I got some blood really pumping through my heart again, making my passion list. The things that move me to beauty and grace. Today (or tonight… so late… so sorry!) I’m about to get my heart racing once more- but not necessarily in the same way as before. Today I get to have lots of fun (uh, sarcasm) and write about fear.

Fear has always been a vice of mine. I’m a worrier. I’m a scaredy-cat. I’ll admit it. I let the beautiful become distorted by the ugly what-if’s and could-be’s and loathing of self. I take what is lovely and allow my unfaithful heart to turn from the Lord of the universe to money and self-image. And I think it is healthy to take the time to look that in the face and recognize it. How else will I be able to confront it, if I don’t know what I’m looking for? How can I tell it to leave, if I don’t see its evil?

here’s the fear list. day three.

my health | joint and back pain, migraine headaches, dizziness, nausea, the list goes on through a dozen blood tests and guessing, hurtful doctors, and medication that made it all worse. Yes. It scares me that some days it physically hurts to get out of bed. But Jesus still heals. And sometimes Jesus uses unhealed bodies to heal broken hearts.

my emotional stability | once upon a time, I was a teenage girl who suffered from fear so terribly that it acted out in ways such as depression, an anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and self-harm. Even though God miraculously healed my heart from all but mere traces of those dark haunts, Satan loves to bring them up and make me feel powerless and totally out of control. But! “…whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.” {1 John 3:20 ESV} That is truth. Fear is a lie.

my (lack of?) love for Jesus | it’s easy to get a big head. I’m not afraid of speaking about the Lord on my blog. Or in person. Or in small group. Or over a cup of coffee. Or in my everyday life. But am I consistently counting Him as greater than I- in will, in thought, in hope? Am I daily dying to self and taking up His cross? Am I shunning the things of this world, or are they clinging closer than I would care to admit? Just because a church-planter’s-wife-to-be writes about loving Jesus doesn’t mean she loves Him nearly so much as she should. I am SO convicted about this. Everything else is a waste… and I’ve wasted so much time! God forgive my self-love. Bind my wandering heart to Thee!

There are my fears. My fear list. Are you brave enough to look yours in the face, even just to introduce yourself? Sometimes that is the first step. You don’t have to fight it yet. You just have to let it know you know it is there, and it can’t hide anymore. And you will prepare for battle. Don’t forget to check back tomorrow! (later today? booo…) for the dream list.


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